​Most of us have goals that we are aiming for or that we want to achieve. However if you find that you are just spinning your wheels, not making any progress whatsoever, running against the same issues over and over and over again and trying to achieve the same goal for a long time, I want to ask if – hear me out! – you could be actually standing in your own way.
As a certified consulting hypnotist, I know that our brains are crazy and interesting things, and that we often can play dual roles of main character and archenemy in our lives.

I’d like to ask you a few questions. 

1. Have you desired the same thing for a long time now without getting it?

2. Do you tend to compare yourself constantly to others and repeatedly come to the conclusion that you are somehow a lower value than other people?

3. Do you tend to hyper focus on everything that is going wrong as opposed to everything that is going right?

4. Do you notice repeating patterns in your life where something often happens that prevents you from getting what you want?

5.Do you frequently procrastinate?

6.Do you often get distracted from doing things that will move you closer to what you want?

7. Do you believe that you would have what you want in your life if it weren't for other people, your family, your genetics, other outside people and other things?

8.When you want to try something new, are you prone to worrying or imagining the worst case scenario?

9.Do you struggle with life purpose or direction, even after spending time to determine that?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, especially three or more, it's most likely that you are kind of getting in your own way.
 
So how can this happen?

Well it all comes down to the two parts of your mind – the conscious and the unconscious. When you plan and strategize on what you want to do, you are using your conscious mind. Now, the closer you get to what you want, the farther away you are moving from what is familiar.

​Your unconscious mind, however, loves what is familiar, and will pull you back into it with unconscious actions. To the unconscious, better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.
 
Anytime you are trying to pull yourself out of your comfort zone, that part of your mind is likely to want to pull you back and stop your forward movement.
 
Though self-sabotaging behaviors can look different for everyone, some common ones include:

• Overthinking
• Procrastinating
• Feeling ill
• Getting into fights and creating/attracting drama

 
Feeling ill is a big one for me. It took me a while to get wise to what my mind likes to pull, but often when it is time for me to do something scary or uncomfortable to move myself forward, I may get a headache, feel a little lightheaded or “just need to lie down” for a while. I noticed that this would only happen in certain situations. I began to dialogue with my mind, thanking it for trying to keep me safe, but telling it firmly that I’m well, I choose to be well thank you very much, and it’s time to move into a better chapter.
In order to move past the point where you always get stuck, it’s important to recognize what unconscious fear-reactive behavior (AKA self-sabotage) looks like for you.
 
 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kesha Dent is a certified hypnotist, certified RTT hypnotherapist, transformational coach and author of "Life Change Now: A 3-Step Guide to Manifesting What You Want Through the Magic of Being Who You Are". She helps professional adults to achieve life success, overcome anxiety, reignite their confidence and break out of their limitations to create a life of purpose, productivity and passion. You can find her at www.newworldcoaching.org  .

You know the classic advice for changing your life for the better.

Go to school.

Study hard, train, hard and do it all over again, right?

But the truth is, if that's all there is to it, why are there so many well-trained, well-educated, hard-working women who are so unfulfilled in life?

As a certified hypnotist and mindset expert, I know that confidence has everything to do with the type of career you have, the type of lifestyle that you have, what you go for, what you feel like you can go for and actually achieve, and of course ultimately what you do achieve.

After all, confidence is how well you feel that you handle the unknown. Confidence is all about your relationship to the unknown, and most likely the change that you want is to be found in the unknown.

A while ago, I read a book called The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance - What Women Should Know by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman.
 
It changed my life and forever changed how I look at how confidence can develop.
We are so often conditioned and shaped to be a certain way to please others, and though this traditional difference can be a beautiful thing, it can also cause intentional and unintentional side effects.
 
For example, traditionally, males are often permitted to have desires and to aggressively pursue them. They're actually praised for pursuing achievements and taking action.

​Now, on the other hand, females are often traditionally raised to avoid conflict and to be accommodating. They're more often encouraged to be neat and nice, kind and good.
They're more often discouraged from being aggressive and having worldly desires. And they're often praised more for qualities that are passive such as beauty, kindness, obedience, etc.
 
And how does that affect us?
 
Well, we're finding as this tends to increase male confidence more especially when it comes to going after things that you want, honoring your boundaries, asserting yourself and seeking and comfortably wielding power.


Women, on the other hand, often are more likely to hold back, to want perfection before any action is taken, and to doubt themselves. Women will tend to self-doubt themselves more often and this can go directly back to the way we are raised.

What can we possibly do about?

#1. Well, first of all, I want you to Number One have self-compassion for yourself. Societal conditioning is an old, old game, and though there can be beauty in tradition, there is a lot of fear that can go into society’s shaping of you. But the good news is that you can change beginning right now.
 
 
#2.  It’s time to give yourself permission to go after what you want.
Deciding that you deserve and desire to have more, to stick up for yourself and to go after what you want may feel very uncomfortable for you because you are countering previous conditioning. If you struggle to do this, you may need to work on giving yourself permission to thrive and play bigger and bolder.

#3. Learn to manage your negative and fearful thoughts. When you change, negative thoughts may occur to pull you back down to where you were. Learn to manage them and develop a plan to deal with them.
#4. When you take action towards what you want, no matter how small, praise yourself! Praise and self-praise is the antidote to low confidence and low self-esteem.
 
#5.  Do something every day, every week, every month, that scares you and praise yourself for doing so.

​In our formative years, we have little say in how we are shaped. But your mind is a force to be reckoned with, and you have the power and the ability to make changes to yourself that benefit you, your family and your life.

​

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kesha Dent is a certified hypnotist, certified RTT hypnotherapist, transformational coach and author of "Life Change Now: A 3-Step Guide to Manifesting What You Want Through the Magic of Being Who You Are". She helps professional adults to achieve life success, overcome anxiety, reignite their confidence and break out of their limitations to create a life of purpose, productivity and passion. You can find her at www.newworldcoaching.org  .