"I Can't Control My Anxiety" - When Your Mind Won't Stop and Nothing Seems to Help
- kesha96
- 1 day ago
- 15 min read
You're in the middle of a Tuesday morning meeting when it hits.
Your chest tightens. Your breath gets shallow. Your mind starts racing through every possible disaster scenario while you're trying to look professional and engaged.
You tell yourself, "Just breathe. Just calm down. Just focus."
But your body isn't listening.
Later that night, you're lying in bed exhausted, but sleep won't come. Your brain is replaying that awkward moment from the meeting, planning tomorrow's conversations, worrying about things that haven't happened yet and probably never will.
You whisper to yourself in the dark, "I can't control my anxiety."
And you're terrified that this might be your reality forever.
Here's what I need you to know: You're not broken. You're not weak. And you're definitely not alone in this struggle.
That feeling of "I can't control my anxiety" isn't a character flaw. It's actually evidence that you've been trying to control something that operates below your conscious awareness. It's like trying to slow your heartbeat through willpower alone. Your anxiety isn't a thought you can simply decide to stop having.
Let me explain what's really happening and show you what actually works.
Why "I Can't Control My Anxiety" Is Actually True (And Why That Matters)
When you say, "I can't control my anxiety," you're more right than you realize, but not for the reasons you think.
Your anxiety responses are being generated by your subconscious mind, which operates about 500,000 times faster than your conscious thinking. By the time you consciously notice "I'm feeling anxious," your nervous system has already activated a complex cascade of physical and emotional responses.
This is why positive thinking, breathing exercises, and "just relax" advice often feel so frustratingly ineffective. You're trying to use your conscious mind (which processes about 40 bits of information per second) to override your subconscious mind (which processes about 20 million bits per second).
But the truth is that your anxiety and panic aren't responses to reality. They're responses to thoughts about reality.
Think about it. If you vividly imagine a green monkey sitting next to you right now, you can make that image incredibly real in your mind. But it will never actually be real. Real is what you can see, feel, touch, taste in this actual moment.
Your anxiety works the same way. You're being scared by a thought, not a reality. And your mind—which is incredibly suggestible—can't always tell the difference.
It's not that you lack willpower or aren't trying hard enough. You're literally using the wrong tool for the job.
Your anxiety isn't a thought problem. It's a nervous system programming problem.
And that changes everything about how we address it.
How Do I Stop Uncontrollable Anxiety?
Let's be honest about what you've probably already tried.
Breathing exercises that work for about 10 minutes before the anxiety comes roaring back.
Meditation apps that make you feel like a failure when you can't "clear your mind" because your thoughts won't stop racing.
Positive affirmations that your brain immediately argues with ("I am calm and confident"... "No you're not, remember that embarrassing thing you did three years ago?").
Talk therapy where you talk about your anxiety for months but still feel just as anxious walking out as you did walking in.
These aren't bad approaches—they're just incomplete. They're all working at the conscious level, trying to manage symptoms after your subconscious has already triggered the anxiety response.
To stop uncontrollable anxiety, you need to work at the subconscious level where the patterns are actually created and stored.
This is where hypnotherapy becomes powerful. Unlike traditional talk therapy or conscious techniques, hypnotherapy allows you to access your subconscious mind directly—the part that's running the anxiety program automatically.
Here's what actually works:
1. Tell Yourself the Truth: Thoughts Are Not Real
This is imperative and must become your first line of defense when you notice anxiety building.
Your thoughts feel real. The green monkey in your imagination can feel vivid and present. The disaster scenario your mind is spinning about next week can feel like it's happening right now.
But feelings aren't facts.
Start catching yourself and asking, "Is this thought about something happening RIGHT NOW, in this actual moment? Or is this a thought about something that might happen, could happen, or happened before?"
Your mind is incredibly suggestible. When you give it fearful thoughts, it creates fearful feelings to match. You must give yourself truthful suggestions instead.
The truth is that right now, in this moment, reading these words—are you actually okay? Look around. What's real in your environment right now?
2. Understand What Your Body Is Actually Doing
Your anxiety and worry are your body's way of preparing to freeze, flight, or fight a "bear" or some real danger.
The problem? There is no actual bear.
Your nervous system can't tell the difference between an email from your boss and a predator attack. It activates the same response: heart racing, muscles tensing, mind scanning for threats.
But there is no actual danger. The thought must be challenged.
You're not responding to reality. You're responding to a thought about reality. And you have complete control over your mind and how you respond to your thoughts. This is your privilege as a human being.
3. Recognize You Only Have a Habit of Thought
That's all anxiety is—a habit of thought that's become automatic.
You've practiced worrying so many times that your brain now does it automatically, the same way you can drive home without consciously thinking about every turn.
The good news? Habits can be changed. You learned this pattern; you can learn a new one.
4. Create a New Subconscious Response
Through hypnotherapy, we can access that deeper level of mind and actually reprogram how your nervous system responds to triggers. Instead of automatic anxiety, you can install automatic calm. Instead of hypervigilance, you can create grounded presence.
This isn't about willpower or positive thinking. It's about changing the automatic programming that runs beneath your conscious awareness.
What Causes Anxiety Flare-Ups?
You're having a decent day, maybe even a good day, and then suddenly—boom. The anxiety hits like a wave you didn't see coming.
What just happened?
Common anxiety flare-up triggers include:
Hormonal Changes: Perimenopause, menstrual cycles, and other hormonal fluctuations can significantly impact anxiety levels. Your nervous system is more sensitive when hormones are shifting.
Blood Sugar Crashes: When you skip meals or eat high-sugar foods, the resulting blood sugar instability can trigger anxiety symptoms that feel emotional but are actually physical.
Caffeine and Stimulants: That third cup of coffee is an adrenal drainer and way too stimulating for your nervous system, creating feelings that match anxiety. If you're struggling with anxiety, coffee may be making it significantly worse.
Sleep Deprivation: When you're exhausted, your nervous system loses its ability to regulate effectively. Everything feels more threatening when you're running on four hours of sleep. You must sleep properly every single night. Consider this a prescription, medicine you need to function at your best.
Decision Fatigue: Your brain can only make so many decisions before it gets overwhelmed. By evening, even small choices can trigger anxiety because your mental resources are depleted.
Subconscious Associations: Sometimes your nervous system recognizes a pattern before your conscious mind does. A smell, a tone of voice, a time of day—these can trigger anxiety based on past experiences you might not even remember.
The Anniversary Effect: Your body remembers stressful events even when your mind doesn't consciously recall them. You might feel inexplicably anxious around the anniversary of a difficult time without realizing why.
But here's the deeper truth. These triggers wouldn't cause such intense reactions if your nervous system wasn't already primed for them.
It's like having a smoke detector that's too sensitive. The detector isn't broken. I's just set to go off at the slightest hint of smoke when a properly calibrated detector wouldn't react at all.
The real solution isn't avoiding all possible triggers (impossible and exhausting). It's recalibrating your nervous system so normal life situations don't set off your internal alarm system.
Why Am I Not Able to Control My Anxiety?
This is the question that probably keeps you up at night.
You're intelligent. You're capable. You've accomplished difficult things in your life. So why can't you just... stop being anxious?
The fact that you can't simply think your way out of anxiety is actually proof that you're not doing anything wrong.
Your anxiety lives in your autonomic nervous system—the part that controls automatic functions like breathing, heartbeat, and stress responses. This system evolved to keep you alive by reacting faster than conscious thought.
When your ancestors encountered a predator, they didn't have time to think "Hmm, is that a tiger? What should I do about this?" Their nervous system activated instantly—heart racing, muscles tensing, mind focusing on survival.
Your nervous system is still doing this job. The problem? It can't tell the difference between an actual threat (tiger) and a perceived threat (difficult email, important meeting, awkward social situation).
You can't control your anxiety with conscious effort for the same reason you can't control your heartbeat, digestion, or pupil dilation through willpower.
But—and this is crucial—you can influence your autonomic nervous system through subconscious reprogramming.
This is why so many successful, intelligent women struggle with anxiety despite "knowing better." Your conscious understanding has nothing to do with your subconscious programming.
How to Calm an Anxiety Attack
When you're in the middle of an anxiety attack, logical advice feels impossible to follow. Your chest is tight, your breath is shallow, your heart is racing, and someone telling you to "just calm down" makes you want to scream.
So let's talk about what actually works in the moment.
The fastest way out of anxiety—after telling yourself the truth about your thoughts—is to CHANGE YOUR PHYSICAL STATE.
Here are the four essential steps:
STEP 1: BREATHE - Switch Your Nervous System (2-3 minutes)
You cannot think clearly or assess situations accurately when you're in your sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight, freeze mode). You must switch to your parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest mode) first.
Use Square Breathing - 10 rounds:
Imagine a square. Follow each side with your breath:
Breathe IN for 4 counts (2, 3, 4)
HOLD for 4 counts (2, 3, 4)
Breathe OUT for 4 counts (2, 3, 4)
HOLD for 4 counts (2, 3, 4)
Repeat 9 more times.
Only when your body is calm can your mind be rational and assess situations accurately. This is not optional—this is the foundation.
STEP 2: CHALLENGE the Thought - Move from "What If" to "What IS" (2 minutes)
Now that you're breathing and your nervous system is beginning to calm, ask yourself...
"Is this thought real? Is it happening RIGHT NOW?"
Look at your actual physical surroundings. What color clothes are you wearing? Who are you actually with? What task do you actually have to do right now?
The antidote to anxiety is not positive thinking. It is ACCURATE thinking.
So what is accurate and truthful in this very moment?
Talk to yourself about what IS, not what IF. Anxiety lives in imagined futures and replayed pasts. Reality lives in this present moment.
Stop Rumination with the Vision Expansion Technique:
Look ahead. Expand your peripheral vision outward, toward the walls of the room, without moving your eyes. Become aware of the space and things around you. How much can you notice without moving your eyes?
This interrupts the internal spiral and brings you back to external reality.
Or try this: Close your eyes. Where is the anxiety living in your body? Now ask yourself... "What am I not noticing that's good right now?"
STEP 3: Decide What You WANT to Feel in Advance (This is KEY)
This step is very important and the key to real change. Professional athletes and high-performing people who feel anxious do this.
Don't just try to "not be anxious." That doesn't work because your brain doesn't know what to do instead.
Define the specific feeling you want to create:
Is it excitement?
Is it calm?
Is it bodily calm with mental clarity?
Is it a fun state or a focused state?
Then create a mental action plan for how to get there. What will you say to yourself? What self-talk will you use?
Practice it. Write it down. Prepare it. Rehearse it—verbally and mentally.
Be your own coach. Talk to yourself in the third person: "Hey [your name], you can do this. You can handle anything. You've done hard things before. This feeling will pass."
This is the self-talk that needs to become automatic through practice.
STEP 4: Honor Yourself with Non-Negotiable Daily Routines
You must put a daily routine in place that honors you like it's not negotiable—because it's not.
These are prescriptions, not suggestions:
Exercise daily - Even if it's just a light walk. Movement completes the stress cycle.
Get sunlight - For Vitamin D and serotonin production
Sleep properly every single night - This is medicine. You need it to function.
You have to be 11/10 committed to yourself. Not 5/10. Not "when you have time." Committed.
Additional In-the-Moment Techniques:
Change Your Physical State Immediately
After breathing and challenging your thoughts, deepen the change by selecting another physical state shift:
Take a shower
Go outside and get fresh air
Do jumping jacks or star jumps
Walk around the block
Drink a glass of cold water
Splash cold water on your face
Movement and cold temperature help reset your nervous system.
These techniques help in the moment, but they're Band-Aids.
If you're having frequent anxiety attacks, you need to address what's causing your nervous system to be so reactive in the first place. That's where deeper work—like hypnotherapy—becomes essential.
How to Stop Anxiety Thoughts
"What if I fail? What if they judge me? What if something goes wrong? What if I'm not good enough?"
The anxiety thoughts never seem to stop, do they?
You might recognize how irrational they are—you might even be able to argue against them logically—but they keep coming back like waves you can't control.
That's because anxiety thoughts aren't actually the problem. They're the symptom.
When your nervous system is in a state of hypervigilance, your mind will generate worried thoughts to match that physical state. Your brain is essentially trying to explain why you feel anxious by finding things to worry about.
This is why trying to "stop thinking negative thoughts" is so exhausting and ineffective. You're fighting the symptom instead of addressing the cause.
Remember: Panic attacks and anxiety are being scared about a THOUGHT, not a REALITY.
Here's what actually works:
1. Use the TRU Method (Thoughts - Real? - Useful?)
Anxiety is often caused by looping and cyclical patterns of thinking, feeling, and response. Interrupt the loop by doing these steps:
T - Thoughts: Ask yourself, "What thoughts may I be consciously or unconsciously having about this situation?"
Name them. Write them down if you need to.
R - Real?: Ask yourself, "Are these thoughts based in reality? How real is this threat?"
If NOT real, the thought is useless. Change the thought. Aim for neutrality and common sense. Repeat this. Self-talk is self-hypnosis.
If there IS some basis in the threat, move to the last step.
U - Useful?: Ask yourself, "Is this thought useful to me right now?"
Likely the answer is no. It's time to change the thought. Aim for neutrality and common sense. Repeat this. Self-talk is self-hypnosis.
2. Label Them as Anxiety, Not Truth
When an anxious thought appears, mentally label it: "That's anxiety talking" or "There's that familiar worry pattern."
This creates distance between you and the thought. You're not trying to make the thought go away. You're just recognizing it for what it is: a symptom of nervous system activation, not a prediction of the future.
Important language shift: Stop saying "my anxiety" or "my depression." Call it "THE anxiety" or "THE depression."
Do not claim it as yours if you want to get rid of it. Language matters. You're not trying to manage your anxiety—you're learning to release THE anxiety that's been visiting you.
3. Ask the Reality-Check Question
When you catch yourself in an anxiety spiral, pause and ask...
"What evidence do I actually have for this worst-case scenario?"
Often, anxiety creates elaborate disaster stories based on zero actual evidence. Gently questioning the reality of your fears—without dismissing your feelings—helps your logical brain come back online.
4. The Thought-Stopping Technique
When you notice repetitive anxious thoughts:
Mentally say "STOP" firmly
Take a deep breath
Redirect to a neutral thought (not positive—neutral)
For example, instead of "Everything is wonderful!" (which your anxious brain won't believe), try "Right now, I'm sitting in this chair. Right now, I'm breathing. Right now, in this moment, I'm okay."
5. Schedule "Worry Time"
This sounds counterintuitive, but it can work for many people. Give yourself permission to worry, but only during designated 15-minute windows.
When an anxious thought appears outside that time, acknowledge it: "I see you, worry thought. I'll think about you during my 4pm worry time."
This teaches your brain that you're not ignoring concerns, but you're also not letting them hijack your whole day.
6. The Progressive Affirmation Approach
Standard positive affirmations often fail because your subconscious knows they're not true yet. "I am completely calm and confident" just makes your anxiety argue back.
Instead, use progressive affirmations your mind can actually believe:
"I'm learning to feel more calm"
"I'm becoming better at managing my thoughts"
"I'm starting to trust myself more"
"I'm allowing myself to feel peace, even if just for moments"
These acknowledge where you are while pointing toward where you're going.
7. Become Keenly Self-Aware of Your Feeling States
Notice your feeling state often. When you notice those old feelings of worry, concern, or anxiety—use that as necessity and motivation to shift your state.
Because worrying about your feelings is a mental job. It must be solved at the mental level. It's a practice of self-talk that needs to be changed by practicing new self-talk, dialogue, and inner conversation.
This is what high-functioning people do. They still feel anxious at times, but they have control over themselves. It's been proven in studies.
All of these techniques help manage anxious thoughts once they appear. The deeper work is reprogramming your subconscious so those thoughts stop appearing automatically in the first place.
How to Reduce Anxiety Immediately
When anxiety hits and you need relief right now—not tomorrow, not after weeks of therapy—what actually works?
The Quick Emergency Toolkit:
1. The Square Breathing Pattern (2 minutes)
We covered this above, but it bears repeating because it's that important:
Breathe in for 4 counts
Hold for 4 counts
Breathe out for 4 counts
Hold for 4 counts
Repeat 10 times
This switches you from sympathetic (panic) to parasympathetic (calm) nervous system.
2. The Pressure Point Reset (60 seconds)
Press firmly on the space between your thumb and index finger (the webbed area). Hold for 30 seconds on each hand.
This acupressure point is connected to stress reduction in traditional Chinese medicine, and many people find immediate relief from this simple technique.
3. The Cold Shock (2 minutes)
Hold ice cubes in your hands or splash cold water on your face. The shock interrupts your anxiety pattern and activates your body's calming response.
4. The Humming Technique (1 minute)
Make a humming sound (like a long "mmmmm"). The vibration stimulates your vagus nerve, which helps regulate your nervous system.
Do this for several long exhales. It might feel silly, but it works.
5. The Body Scan Release (3 minutes)
Starting with your toes, mentally scan up through your body, noticing where you're holding tension. As you notice each area, consciously release it.
"I'm releasing tension from my toes... my calves... my thighs..." and so on.
This redirects your attention from worried thoughts to physical awareness, and gives your body permission to let go of the tension it's holding.
Ask Yourself These Critical Questions:
"Do I want to keep this anxiety? Am I ready to let it go?"
Anxiety may have engulfed you, but inside somewhere is the person you're meant to be. Are you ready for that person to step out and leave anxiety behind?
Are you ready to crush anxiety? Is the real you about to step forward?
The Reality About Quick Fixes:
These techniques work for immediate relief—and you should absolutely use them. They can help you get through a difficult moment, calm down enough to function, or fall asleep when anxiety is keeping you awake.
But if you're constantly needing emergency techniques to get through your day, that's a sign you need deeper work.
It's like bailing water out of a boat. The bailing helps in the moment—you need it to stay afloat. But if you don't fix the hole in the boat, you'll be bailing forever.
The Truth About "I Can't Control My Anxiety"
When you say "I can't control my anxiety," you're speaking a deeper truth than you might realize.
You can't control your anxiety—not with willpower, positive thinking, or conscious effort.
But you can transform it.
The difference is crucial.
Control suggests forcing something to behave differently through conscious effort. It's exhausting, temporary, and often makes anxiety worse because you're essentially fighting yourself.
Transformation means changing the underlying patterns at the subconscious level where anxiety is actually generated. It's about reprogramming your nervous system so the automatic response shifts from "danger!" to "I'm safe."
This is the work I do through the Frequency Shift™ Method—helping women over 40 reprogram their anxiety patterns at the subconscious level so they can access the calm, confident, powerful version of themselves that's been there all along, just hidden beneath the noise of constant worry.
Your anxiety isn't evidence that you're broken or weak. It's evidence that your brilliant, protective nervous system learned a pattern that no longer serves you—and it's time to teach it something new.
You've been given the privilege of complete control over your mind. You have a choice in how you deal with your thoughts. You only have a habit of thought—and habits can be changed.
Your Next Step: Stop Managing, Start Transforming
If you've been nodding along reading this, recognizing yourself in these descriptions... if you're tired of Band-Aid solutions that provide temporary relief but never create lasting change... if you're ready to finally understand what's really driving your anxiety and how to transform it at its source...
I have something for you.
Join Me for "The Recommitment Reset: Get Back on Track When Your Goals Derail" 💪🔄
Part of the “From Anxiety to Empowerment” Free Workshop Series
Wednesday, January 28th at 6pm ET • ONLINE via Zoom
Started strong with managing your anxiety—and then stopped? Stuck in that "I always quit" shame spiral?
This 60-minute workshop teaches you the exact reset practice for recommitting to your anxiety goals without guilt or starting over.
You'll leave with:
✅ Clarity on why you derail (so you stop blaming yourself)
✅ Your shame-free Recommitment Statement
✅ ONE action you'll complete within 2 hours
✅ A clear path forward when you fall off track again
✅ Proof that you CAN get back on track
Bring: Pen and 3" x 5" index cards
[REGISTER FOR THE FREE WORKSHOP BELOW →]
Remember This
The voice that says, "I can't control my anxiety" is telling you the truth—but it's not the whole truth.
You can't control anxiety through conscious willpower.
But you absolutely can transform it through subconscious reprogramming and by consistently practicing the techniques I've shared here.
Your sensitivity, your analytical mind, your spiritual awareness—these aren't the problems. They're actually your gifts, just currently miscalibrated toward worry instead of wisdom.
Once tuned to confidence instead of anxiety, these same qualities become your greatest strengths.
The woman you're meant to be—the calm, confident, powerful version of yourself—she's not someone you need to become. She's who you already are, underneath the anxiety programming.
She's waiting for you to remember her.
Anxiety may have engulfed you, but the real you is about to step forward.
The question isn't whether transformation is possible. The question is: Are you ready to let the anxiety go and allow the real you to emerge?
Your breakthrough is waiting.
✨ Kesha Dent Certified Hypnotherapist Helping high-achieving women transform anxiety into unstoppable confidence
P.S. That tightness in your chest as you read this? That quickening recognition? That's not anxiety. That's your intuition telling you it's time. Listen to it. 💫
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